marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
