well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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