how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
