i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
