If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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