life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
