It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You made out with two different species that night
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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