Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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