I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
where are my eyebrows?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
