we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
