I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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