it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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