What a fucking waste of an outfit
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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