so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
