I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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