i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
