Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
