you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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