woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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