This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
