you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
