I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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