I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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