i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
