You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
