Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She just used a chaser for red wine.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
