I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
