is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
