Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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