Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I cannot find my penis.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
