My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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