clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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