I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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