this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize