I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
