He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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