Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I think I won the penis lottery.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
