Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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