I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
