she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
