i permit you to call me
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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