I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize