Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Randomize
