So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
