She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
