my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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