i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
