Umm I'm too high to move.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
