You just made me feel so damn special
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
