I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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