i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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