Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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