I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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