I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
