I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
