Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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