you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
