I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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